[shuh-grin]   noun, verb, cha·grined orcha·grinned, cha·grin·ing or cha·grin·ning.

noun

1. a feeling of vexation, marked by disappointment or humiliation.
The multitude ways in which I undermine my best interests and act in ways that will lead to pain are astounding; breathtaking. I seem unfailingly able to identify the most imaginative and novel ways to wound me. 
It is almost as if I say to myself:
 

This cannot possibly go anywhere good; I cannot wait!

 

Spent all day yesterday abed on account of this unfortunate, irresistible tendency. My best hope is that I’ve got it out of my system for a spell.