Everything I Tell you is Hearsay

i will begin by saying that i have other, more serious feelings about the economy tumbling downhill, but they are not as amusing as the following sentiments. so.

i have not had a haircut since April. this is actually okay since i am trying to rock the long hair thing, but ultimately a trim would be nice. more upsetting is my lack of funds for other, more crucial elements of my toilet. (pronounce that twah-let, if you please)

i seem to be pathologically incapable of painting my own toenails. i’m not exactly sure why this is, apart from my debilitating lack of hand-eye coordination, but it is nevertheless true. if i try and happen to be working with red, my feet end up looking like the scene of an unsuccessful amputation attempt. and i have learned from experience, no one thinks this is cute. i discovered the joys of the $20 pedicure on 21st avenue some years ago, and i have never looked back. i have nice feets, and a little polish can go a long way. however, due to the BTOD i have been reluctant in the extreme to go have a professional person look at my mangled toenails. finally, in desperation, i asked TBIL to paint them for me, since my halloween costume required open toed shoes. he was game, and did a decent job overall, but i doubt he’s up for semi-monthly pedicure duty, no matter how much he likes me. now that the nails are finally beginning to look normal again, it’s more a problem of funding the project than worry over horrifying the nail techs.

in this same vein, i have been forced to neglect my eyebrows to an extent which is beginning to cause me emotional distress. much in the same way i have ONE person who i allow to cut my hair, i have just one esthetician who i can trust to take care of my brows. i have sensitive skin and come from a hairy people, so the combination of my tendency to have overgrown eyebrows and to break out in a rash when i attempt to remedy the situation calls for some delicacy and skill on the part of my waxer. lucky for me, i found Jojo, and not only is she, like, one of the loveliest people i have ever met in real life, she does a fantastic job keeping the brows in check. but, scheduling can be a challenge, and brokeness has been rearing its ugly head causing me to have an ugly head. i mean seriously. ew.

and have you SEEN the price of the refill razor heads for the Venus Embrace® holy shitfire leroy! lets just say i had hairy ankles for a few weeks there.

all of this adds up to me feeling sorry for myself not only cause i am broke, but also cause i am hairy and broke. homemade pedicure nothwithstanding (and so far lacking any hair on my toeknuckles) all of this poorness leaves me all furry and frumpy.

it was a good one this year!

i always like to see my birthday as the ultimate opportunity to indulge myself. as such, i went to some effort to have all of my favorite things. it became my twitterproject for the day…

birthdays are all about favorite things; 1st favorite, stumptown mocha!

favorite thing #2 bacon squash galette from grand central

favorite thing #3: LOTS AND LOTS OF ATTENTION. it may be the hat…

favorite thing #4 shopping! favorite thing #5 being sung to!!

favorite thing #6 singing “Favorite” by Neko Case

favorite thing #7 PRESENTS!! borders gift card, @lyzadanger w/ the LibraryThing subscription. pegged as a bookworm i guess

favorite thing #8 leaving work early!! only 2 hrs to go!

favorite thing #9 bacon & blue cheese potato salad. mmmm. lunch

favorite thing #10 surprise blue sky out my window!

favorite thing #11 wardrobe change!

favorite Thing #12 TBIL #13 MORE PRESENTS: bottle of patron

for symmetry i would have liked 31 favorite things, but as the day wore on, i got a little distracted and couldn’t keep tweeting as they came up. long about 4pm i was talking to my Uncle Ed (who’s birthday it also was) and having a rousing discussion about politics and love. so, that was amusing at any rate. then it was on the road (the back road at the behest of TBIL) to seattle.

we ended up going to Freak Night at the WAMU theater. it was quite a spectacle. costumes everywhere. it was sort of amusing to see certain trends in the room; there were tons of pirates, many slutty versions of cartoon characters (although my favorite was seeing 1) standard Rainbow Brite 2) Slutty Rainbow Brite and 3) ULTRA Slutty Rainbow Brite all within like 5 minutes of each other) and a veritable SWARM of bumblebee costumes. i was jessica rabbit. looked faboo if i do say so. did not get photo on my own camera (doh!) so proof of such will have to wait.

the lineup was pretty wicked: we had Crystal Method, Moby, and Paul VanDyck. it was dancetastic. at some point i gave in and took off my beautiful but patently cruel high heels and started prancing around barefoot. good times.

slept over at my cousin Khava’s place. and i do not exaggerate when i say she has the MOST COMFORTABLE BED I HAVE EVER SLEPT IN. man ALIVE! we got in after 4am and were up by 9 and i still felt more well rested than i have in ages. i gotta bust ass over to costco and get me one of them mattress pads post haste. had breakky with Khavs and her boyfriend at Jax in West Seattle. potato pancakes. mmmm. little Pike Street market action wrapped up our time in Sea-town. i swear i never feel such a vital intrest in produce as i do when i am walking through that market. i talked TBIL into buying an avacado that i’m pretty sure is larger than the head of my child. i don’t even LIKE avacados. it was so shiny, and green, and alien-head-looking i simply could not resist. we also bought a giant red pear.

later that night it was time for all the silliness i didn’t get to on the birthday proper: $5 steaks at the Acropolis, lap dance, and karaoke. i was sad to discover that Hollywood Bowl no longer has the kick-ass dive bar style lounge anymore, because it was my favorite place to go sing. alas, no more. they have re-modeled in a “Grand Central” style i like to call “drywall chic” which is wholly shabby and utterly disappointing. i liked the laid back atmosphere and boy’s club quality of the old lounge. and just for the record, there was literally NOT ONE PERSON in there on a saturday night. might have been a tactical error folks. so, we were forced to go with karaoke plan #2: The Galaxy. i have no specific problem with this place, although i did have to step over vomit on my way out the door. i also enjoy that one of the waitresses looks EXACTLY like Caroline Jones. my singing was less than stellar due to slight cold and/onset of drunkness, but i had an enthusiastic audience in my cohorts, so it was grand nevertheless.

finally on sunday, it was time for the last event of the birthday-stravaganza-weekend. brunch at Meriwethers for Chicken & Waffle. oh, daddy. the general consensus around the table was that no one needed to eat again all day after that. we were a full and tipsy crowd after all was said and eaten. dee-lish.

it was lovely, i felt very loved. i’m glad it’s all over for another year. next, VEGAS!!

ELECTION2008 Hot Political Topics:

Cheney, Gobama, Vote OBAMA, Michelle Obama, Chavez, NObama, Bush, Dems

and she is definitely doing so today. everytime i look at the clock i am shocked all over again at what time it only is. sheesh.

the highlight of my day so far was the following exchange:

(me) so i am bringing home a bag of potatoes for dinner

(hodie) ooh!

(me) and some kielbasa.

(she) ooh!

(me) guess what we are having for dinner?

(she) potatoes and kielbasa?

(me-astounded) are you PSYCHIC?? how did you KNOW??

(she) *rolls eyes. i can HEAR this through the phone*

this, my friends, is what i have been reduced to. there are only so many ways of driving around facebook and killing time. i have driven everyone who loves me to the point of madness with various plan-making and plan-remaking conversations over the course of the last few days, so i feel obligated, for the sake of these loved ones, to sit on my hands and stop bothering the crap out of them. and of course, traffic in the clinic has slowed down just at this most inopportune moment. sigh.

and not just mine either. today i wished my friend lyza happy birthday about 8 times via several varying sorts of electronic media. i am pretty sure i was more excited about wishing her a happy birthday than she was about having one.

i do not know wherefrom this enthusiasm comes, either. cause it is not like birthdays were ever especially awesome for me. i have a tendency to get REALLY REALLY REALLY worked up and excited and then spend the actual day in various stages of hysteria. my 29th birthday is the only one in living memory i did not cry at least once. this was because i basically ignored the fact it was my birthday. there was much incredulity all around when i announced this plan, but it worked, in a manner of speaking. i wasn’t HAPPY exactly, but i didn’t cry.

this year i’m back to hopping-up-and-down-obnoxious-excitement style birthday. it’s less confusing for my loved ones.

only 9 days left….

magnolia is one of my very favorite movies ever. i unwisely lent my copy to some reprobate neighbor of mine about 5 years ago and thus hadn’t seen it in about that long. but sunday i spent most of the morning in bed watching it. and i remembered anew why i love it so very much.

it isn’t just because it helps me remember a more innocent time when watching tom cruise’s palpable intensity only moved me rather than creeping me out. nor only because jason robards delivers such a touching performance and i always wished he was my grampa ever since seeing “Max Dugan Returns” as a small child. the entire cast of this film moves together in a nuanced and tender way that exposes such loveliness and tragedy all at once.

i somehow forgot how many little tics i picked up from this movie. the scene where the little boy raps to Officer Jim about the identity of the murderer is classic:

i’ll help you solve the case, gotta get paid though, gotta get paid

i say this constantly. and of course, we all know i subscribe to the Seduce and Destroy credo

RESPECT THE COCK! AND TAME THE CUNT!

likewise, when Frank TJ Mackey gets cornered in a lie by the reporter and clams up on her, she asks him what he’s doing, his reply:

i’m quietly judging you

classic scorching derision!!

and not only this, but Magnolia contains what is, for me, the singlemost moving and beautiful scene in any film i have ever watched; each cast member sings a line or two from Aimee Mann’s hauntingly lovely song “Wise Up” and it does not matter if they can, or if they are even conscious but only that they are all bound together in this moment of vulnerability and wonder.

there was some unbridled crying in front of my cohort during this part of the movie. apparently my relentless sentimentality is no secret to anybody.

then i went to breakfast and had spicy potatoes and a screwdriver. it was a very nice sunday indeed.

i had weird dreams last night.

i was on my way to a film festival with some friends, and was going to meet them at their place across town, but rather than getting in my car to drive, i decided instead that i would take my home-made hot air balloon! this contraption consisted of an old recycling bin and a pouch attached by a complicated rigging system and filled, not with helium or hot air, but with nitrous oxide. the logistical problems with this mode of conveyance are many; nitrous isn’t that buoyant, as it turns out, i don’t know how in the hell i was supposed to steer (i vaguely remember some emphatic leaning) and i really don’t know how i was able to fit myself into a recycling bin. true, by the time i landed it seemed to have fallen apart just a bit, gone soft and flexible, but i never felt dangly on the ride.

the friends i was going to see were pretty impressed with my handiwork; some more than others. the boys were quick to point out my successful journey was proof of the viability of this mode of transport (thus legitimizing their desire to make one too) while the girls tended to raise a skeptical eyebrow.

it then became clear to me that i had somehow forgotten my money, and couldn’t very well attend the film festival without any. so. TBIL appeared out of the ether to offer me a ride back to my place to fetch it. however, this endeavor was complicated by his inability to select the correct route to my house (this, is the least far-fetched part of the dream, for sure) and ended up detouring into north Portland and getting caught in traffic waiting to cross the st johns bridge. the traffic was backed up there because the giant dam across the willamette in downtown portland had closed its floodgates causing the river to rise far enough to wash out the bridge (nevermind the course of the river would need to flow in the opposite direction to have this effect). which wasn’t stopping anyone from driving across it mind you, just slowing them down enough to cause a tie up. when we finally got onto the bridge it was not only 3-4 inches deep in water, it had a hill on it like the bridge between astoria and longbeach. scary.

after that i ended up losing track of TBIL and found myself back with the girlfriends in a gallery/antique shop where we looked at pottery with uneducated disdain until we found a back room with a robust supply of costume pieces. parading did ensue. the proprietor came around and scolded us; apparently some of the props were valuable.

for some reason i woke up from this dream feeling displaced and vulnerable. it seems a strange one to cling, to unsettle… yet somehow, it has.

i like to think of myself as a pretty adventurous soul. i like to go, and do, and try stuff, so when my friend suggested we go surfing i was all for it. nevermind that it was early October and forcasted to be rainy and windy and 12ft seas…

i will admit, i felt pretty tough and cool with all that gear strapped to Klaus’ rack…

we made it down to indian beach on saturday and the place was de-sert-ed. there was only one other vehicle in the parking lot. at first i think to myself: “sweet! beach all to ourselves!” then i get out of the car and think: “clearly, we are insane…”

cause it was sideways rain, windy-as-hell, and chilly as all get out. i had never before used a wet suit, so i was still somewhat skeptical about its ability to keep me from losing a vital percentage of my overall body heat. and last time i checked, hypothermia is not hot. also, though equipped with what SHOULD work as chest-mounted-built-in flotation devices, i am not the world’s strongest swimmer. i was getting slightly nervous about how rough the ocean looked, plus, when we unstrapped the boards, the wind picked them up and tossed them off the top of the car and cruelly down to the pavement. i found myself looking at my companion and saying: “have i made it clear i don’t want to die like this?”

nevertheless, we hoofed it down to the water and gamely waded in. it was at this point i discovered what i can only describe as the most magical thing i have learned in years: if i wear a wetsuit i can go in the ocean in october, and it is totally comfortable. seriously, this is life-changing information.

so. after a brief introduction to surfing basics, i wrestled myself on top of the board i’d been handed and managed to ride a pretty nice wave back to the shore. i was on my belly the whole time, but i can see why people abandon real life to do this all the time. i have to liken it to the feeling i had the first time i was on skis; the feeling was one of body-engulfing ecstatic giddiness. this obsession? it has me.

bolstered by my initial success, i waded back out into the water and took hold of the wider board my friend offered me in the hopes that though more cumbersome, it might prove slightly more stable for me and thus easier to mount. trying to wrangle this board was definitely more challenging, and about 2 minutes after he handed it to me, i managed to set it parallel to the wave (just exactly like you aren’t supposed to) and when the swell caught the board it smashed me full in the face and knocked me under. the degree of distress this caused my compatriot was considerable; apparently there was lots of blood.

i was fairly equivocal about the whole thing. i am constantly hurting myself; twisting, spraining, bruising, burning, scraping, or otherwise mangling myself. i fall down frequently doing nothing more complicated than trying to sit in my chair at work, so this pretty much seemed like par for the course. i spat blood into the ocean for about 10 minutes, but other than that, it didn’t really slow me down. plus this way, i’d look EXTRA tough and cool!!

ultimately, it was a really great experience. almost as soon as we got in the water, the wind let up and the rain stopped. the water was rough, but not scary rough. i had a few people tell me it wasn’t really an ideal day to get started on, but even if that’s true, i’m hooked. as far as i can tell, that just means, it gets better!

my friend Lyza is the opposite of a dilettante: by which i mean that though she has a dizzying variety of intriguing hobbies and interests, she doesn’t dabble. instead she immerses herself in research and practical application. i am consistently impressed by her ability to master whatever she sets her hand to, and i am very proud indeed to count her among my close friends.

but perhaps never so proud as i am today, when she and her cohorts were finally able to announce the release of the new Obama App for iPhone

Lyza has been devoting herself to the difficult task of growing a small software startup with several talented and like-minded tech folks here in the Portland area. CloudFour is the result of these efforts, and for some time now she has been drawn to the idea of creating iPhone applications as a component of her work. what a way to begin…

not only with an application that has such promise for wild popularity, but one that has the potential to be meaningful as a political tool in the crucial upcoming election.

my most sincere congratulations to the entire team.

there isn’t always a countdown. i’ve resisted the urge to do so the last few years, but for some reason, i am ALL ABOUT m embracing my customary (though admittedly ridiculous) amount of enthusiasm for all things birthday.

so, at T- 32 days, there is still much to be done:

• find purple gloves and red wig for costume cause this year instead of only TALKING about being Jessica Rabbit i am actually going to DO IT. sheesh
• obtain pumpkins, and carve them
• take hodie down to the haunted trail and hope she does not repeat her larceny
• call mother and request she make me a batch of The Best Carmel In The Known Universe and then hoard it
• find ingenious new ways to subtly, but unmistakably indicate my desire for various birthday gift items
• devise system wherein my closest friends & loved ones will not bludgeon me before my birthday just to get me to shut the hell up about my birthday.

that last one’s going to be tricky.

last weekend a friend and i went for a hike out in “Stub” Stewart state park out near Vernonia. i picked the hike primarily because i always tend to do gorge hikes, and was curious about the newest state park. of the offerings, none seemed especially difficult or lengthy, so i picked the one that looked to provide the greatest challenge: The Bumping Knots Trail.

it ended up feeling largely like a stroll through a park, and was mostly a pony trail. some elevation change, but nothing more than moderately strenuous. even after the six-plus mile jaunt, i still had the energy to pick up said friend and give him a piggy back ride for a few dozen yards. these feats of strength, i cannot resist them.

there was a nice viewpoint along the trail with a little bench, but nothing to write home about. honestly, the most compelling thing about the hike was the discovery of the Banks Vernonia Trail, a portion of which runs through the park. it is nice and wide and flatish and very beautifully paved. and i suddenly wanted nothing more than to go for ride.

wednesday was my day off so i tossed the old trek up into the rack and motored out to the trailhead. the weather was less promising than it looked from inside my bedroom, grey clouds were in a looming mood. also, i seem to be not so much with the map reading skills, and though i tried to find a trailhead where the path was paved (which it is for all but 3 of its 20 miles) i managed to park in a place that left me 2 miles from the asphalt. to be fair, the trail is still in excellent shape, well maintained and covered in gravel, graded, and still a very good ride. the problem is that i have the narrowest tires in all the land on my bicycle and so there was a serious amount of vibrating, nerve-wracking, anxiety inducing bumpiness on my way.

once on pavement it was a lovely speedy cruise. i think i came up on some horsey-riders a little faster than they would have liked, but i was all ipod and momentum. i think it failed to occur to me at first that i would eventually pay for all of this speed…

the weather remained sort of gloomy and grey for most of the ride, but it was cool enough to keep me comfortable for most of the trip. i went as far down the trail as i could, but some constuction on the pathway turned me around at about mile 15. i’m hoping next time i go, i can start at the Manning trailhead, do the entire 20 miles and then come back.

one highlight was the trestle bridge about midway through the ride. if i hadn’t been so worried about the impending rain i was sure would fall at any moment, i would have gone off the trail long enough to get some scenic trestle bridge photos. as it is, i just got this shot of my trip across it. a few more weeks from now i’m sure the foiliage will be glorious…

coming back, i was to feel the flatishness wasn’t in fact as flat as i had led myself to believe. there was sweating. oh, yes.

coming back through the unpaved portion wasn’t as tough as going out was, though i did dismount AND carry the trek down the last grade since it wasn’t worth my life to take it on the wheel.

and, happily, the rain did not begin in earnest until i was safely tucked in the drivers seat and imagining with glassy eyed pleasure the turkey burger i was going to get at Burgerville when i went back through Hillsboro. plus also a blackberry milkshake.

and i am pleased to say, even considering the bumpiest portions of my trip, i was decidedly ungimpy after my ride. hoo-ray.