i like jerks.

i do. i always have. it might be in part because i kinda am one. at least, i’m not “nice” in any conventional sense of the word. i mean, i wont usually go out of my way to be mean for no reason, but neither will i make much of an effort to be friendly or anything.

anyway, most of the guys i find myself attracted to are jerks. they’re self-centered pricks who think the world of themselves, and not much of me. it’s sort of a classic insecure girl thing. i have an excellent track record. it’s not perfect, but it’s damn close.

this has been true not only in my real life, but in my fantasy life of TV dating. much to the dismay of everyone who lives in my house, my favorite example of made-up manhood used to be Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl. he’s conceited, vain, ego-centric, and beautifully dressed. yum!

nice scarf dude!

however. he has yet to master all the skills and talents concomitant to his type. sure, he’s greedy and capricious, reprobate and occasionally vicious, but truthfully, chuck is also just a boy. he often lacks the courage of his cruelty. he hasn’t grown into an unshakable sense of himself yet and thus does not always act the consummate asshole. no, indeed we can frequently see glimpses of his vulnerabililty and lack of self-confidence. it’s something that may come with age, but for now i can say, i have found it somewhere else.

meet Ari Gold: Dickhead Exrtaordinare

come on baby, yell at me some more...

i spent all weekend watching 6 seasons of Entourage. so i’ve had some time to think about what it is that makes this character, to my mind, the archetype of the perfect man.*

He is a Chauvinist:

i mean this in the literal definitive sense:

–noun

this man always thinks he is right. and that is hot. he will pursue his conviction til and past the bitter end. he will run, jump, scream, wheedle, or pay to make his point and achieve his end. in a world where situational ethics are the rule, this man has a profound and durable sense of right and wrong. it may not align perfectly with the larger social paradigm but it is consistent to itself and he is unfailingly committed to it.

He Demands Obedience But Is Willing To Pay For The Privilege

this man dominates whatever situation he comes into. with the strength of his personality he achieves his ends by browbeating most of the people in his vicinity into submission. but though he can be demanding to the point of oppression, he also provides everything, unto excess, that these people could possibly want. his family, protege, and clients all benefit from his inexorable determination to do his best for them.

He is Not A Man You Want To Fuck With

he feels betrayal powerfully, and becomes vindictive when he is crossed, and due to his steadfast sense of right and wrong, you do not want to be the one to do it.

my very favorite scene** in the entire series comes when Ari is feuding with some upstart dickbag agent who thinks he can behave like a genuine rival for Ari’s position. they race in their fancy little cars, they exchange human feces, and then finally the gloves (and all else besides) come off; the dickbag posts nude photos of Ari’s wife (taken before she was Ari’s wife) and that is when the shit goes down.

Ari races across to the agency where dickbag works and proceeds to call him out of his office to demand an apology. when dickbag hesitates Ari SLAPS HIM LIKE THE BITCH HE IS and threatens to beat the living crap out of him if he fails to say he is sorry. because sending naked pictures of some bitch you both screwed is one thing, but this is his wife and the mother of his children and that is a line you simply do. not. cross. fuck. no.

He Is A Fucking Pig Who Takes His Vows Seriously

he eyes women up and down, CONSPICUOUSLY, pretty much non-stop. he’s a sexist who objectifies women and makes wildly inappropriate comments to and about them on a regular basis and yet, he would never cheat on his wife, and views infidelity with contempt. he is profoundly committed to his family and to his wife, and is at heart, an honorable man. even if you’d never guess it from the way he talks.

He Buys Expensive Presents When He Has Fucked Up

this may not, in itself, be admirable as a human trait, but i personally, am a fan of this behavior. my forgiveness can usually be bought.

He understands And Cares About Appearances And Labels

he is keenly sensitive to the value of image and does his best to present an image of power, authority, control, and dignity. plus also, he is a seriously sharp dressed man.

i realize these traits do not make everyone giddy, but they definitely do it for me. i am not unaware that he is also a bigot, workaholic, and general bully, but these things do not make him less appealing for all of that. i find it sort of interesting to realize this about myself, but i think it’s probably useful information going forward.

and hodie will be so relieved. she hated chuck.

**i literally squeal and bounce up and down every time i watch this scene.

i seem to be in a strange place lately of saying these things simultaneously.

through the magic of the internets, i’ve been downloading entire series and watching them straight through. this has been absorbing at a time when i need to be absorbed, and so i have enjoyed it mostly.

however, in a few cases it’s made me rather sad. where there are only 1 or 2 seasons of an excellent show to become entranced by and then lament that there is no more. it’s sort of like falling for someone who’s going to move away…

the most profound case of this phenomenon is Deadwood

fuckin cocksuckers

i have never enjoyed a show more. Mad Men is a very close second, but this show won my heart entirely. they swear and beat the living shit out of each other and everyone is dirty and angry and schemeing, and i cannot get enough. to know that such a brilliant piece of television was so short lived is just painful to me. people told me for a long time they thought i would enjoy this show, but i was reluctant to watch something i knew was going to end before i was satisfied. i gave in to temptation, and now i must suffer for my sins.

which makes the next go-round dangerous in much the same regard.

having been too young to participate when it was first aired, and too culturally retarded to have picked up on it sooner, i missed the whole Twin Peaks thing. i decided that this should change, and along with another friend of mine who’s never seen it and some veterans who have, we’re going to start holding a Twin Peaks viewing once a week. i think in some ways this will heighten the drama and spool out the pleasure of the experience rather better than a long weekend of not leaving my bed. of course, the more time that passes, the deeper i’ll fall.

but what is life but a series of risks in pursuit of love. even if it can’t last.

Go To The Gym this one was pretty easy. it got a little harder once i arrived. the PRL has some* experience in the fitness area and has been putting me through my paces. i tried to replicate the workout we did last week; probably with only limited success…

push-ups with weights: grab some barbells, place them on the floor and then hold them under either hand as you do a pushup. then lift the weights back toward the chest alternating sides. these are hard. i hafta do the pushup part on my knees like a girl.

chest press: typical barbell seated lift. used 20’s which was better than i could manage last week.

lat pull: the hardest part here was keeping the ball under my behind, i swear.

modified pull ups: feet on balance ball horizontal pull ups with a cross bar. did 30 of those. word.

leg press: last week i was pressing 170 at one point. not this week. 130 about killed me. butt still hurts.

i also tried to swim but forgot my goggles. ah well.

Sewing Project

gift season is upon us. i’m making presents this time. needed yards and thread and notions. now to find a machine…

Crying

yeah. still working on that one.

* and by “some” i mean a real lot.

whilie i admit, this is not a totally uncommon occurrence, this sent me into a particularly heated frenzy of loathing and terror.

if someone could see inside my darkest nightmares, this is what they might see:

Flesh-eating fish give pedicures

remember when i mentioned my fear of fish

well. it turns out IT IS HEREBY VINDICATED AND ETERNALLY JUSTIFIED. because, you see, fish DO want to eat you. they just usually cant. but these morons not only LET the fishes feast on their toeses, but they PAY for the privilege. holy mother of god, no. i mean forget masquerading waterboarding as “enhanced interrogation methods” this is torment couched as a beauty treatment*!

i had to change the channel before the segment was over so great was my panic and disgust. yet another sound reason to avoid Good Morning America

*in the interest of full-disclosure, some people claim to like this shit. these people are crazy and should be sterilized so as to keep that brand of crazy out of the gene pool.

i’m pretty famous for this. there’s the truth i know and then the truth i choose to attend to because it’s the truth i would prefer. it doesn’t help when the nudging seems to come from multiple directions and isn’t consistent. last week all was nine of cups and shiny. today its ace of swords and potentially sharp.

guess we’ll have to let the day unfold to find out just what we’re in for…

whenever that might be.

i used to know. i was pretty damn sure for a really long time. i was going to deliver babies and that was going to rule. i even had a plan: once i had my credentials, i was going to open a LUXURY BIRTHING SPA where families could come and have a 4 star hotel experience, except also, have a baby there. indirect lighting, comfortable spacious private rooms, spa treatments for mom and dad. a family inclusive care model. nutritionist and lactation consultant on site. cause, dude, after having HAD a baby, i can think of no time in my life i needed pampering more.

turns out though, i am BAD AT SCIENCE. no, really. i failed Anatomy & Physiology twice. physics i just curled into a ball crying within the first week of the term all THREE times i tried to take it. and though i managed to muddle through calculus, it was not an experience that really affirmed my faith in myself as a student.

and as it happens, you have to be at least tolerably good at these things for them to want to let you into medical school, or nursing school, or even any decent direct-entry midwifery program. (maybe not physics. everyone knows that stuff’s made up anyway)

so, what with all my academic flailing, it turns out i’m still pretty damn close to a degree. something called a “Bachelors of Science in Social Science” ironic for someone who’s REALLY BAD AT SCIENCE.

and this leaves me with the problem of what the hell does one DO with a social science degree anyway? i’ve thought about teaching, which i think i’d be pretty good at, all things considered, but someone told me i don’t have the temperament for it. which is code for: you swear too much. i could probably go into some sort of non-profit administrative role, but it’s sort of hard to muster a ton of verve over that idea: i’m going to be a mid-level FUNCTIONARY when i grow up!

so, i’m just kinda drifting. it seems like i’m far past the age at which i should have had these things figured out, and the $60K-odd student loan debt i have accrued thusfar is beginning to make me sort of systemically nervous.

and i know i should go talk to an advisor (i have an appointment tomorrow) but i still feel like an informal survey is SUCH A MORE ENTERTAINING WAY to determine one’s fate!!

so, here are some ideas i’ve been kicking around, in no particular order:

1) Rock/Opera Star: I’m pretty sure, if i could read music, the Portland Symphonic Choir would jump on me like the last hot biscuit at the KFC but alas, i cannot. rock stars have no such prerequisite, but anyone who’s heard me sing knows full well there is nothing “rock” about it.

2) Teacher: i actually did this for a job for a couple years (yes after school, and yes only teaching debate, butstill) and i really enjoyed it. i like being the center of attention and talking alot and having people subject to my will, so, really, what could be better? except for the low pay and my problem with epithets…

3) Amateur Humorist, Dilettante, and Book Dork: i already have this job. it doesn’t pay what it might.

4) Trophy Wife: i actually already had this job, and frankly, it sucked. but i suppose if i just found someone who was more deserving of a trophy than the last guy, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad*

5) Crusader for Reproductive Health in a Non-Science-Requisite Role: i can run a front desk like NOBODY! office mange the SHIT out of some place. so, maybe if i did that, but with pregant ladies and babies all over the place, i’d find my career path more rewarding. i think working for planned parenthood could be great if i had the right role. public relations, policy formation, advocacy for the program. and i do enjoy working in a clinical setting. as long as the patients don’t get mouthy.

6) Your answer here: come on. whaddaya got? what career path seems right for a moderately lazy smartass with lopsided people skills and a penchant for unnecessarily flowery speech?

*this is my mother’s choice for me. no, really.

i realize that most people probably have strange or irrational fears. i mean, you can only watch your friend assiduously avoid coming too close to the pool filter so many times before it becomes apparent this is no coincidence, and wonder to yourself “what the hell am i doing hanging around with someone who’s afraid of a bloody pool filter?” but these are deeper questions than i hope to address here today.

of course there are also the grander, more fantastic yet still utterly groundless fears. my best friend in high school was absolutely convinced that mothman was haunting greater Gresham and its environs. apart from pointing out that mothman was an east coast spook if ever i had heard of one, there didn’t seem a tactful way of expressing my skepticism, so i mostly kept quiet. even when she would suggest taking a walk in the woods in the pitch dark and work herself into a shrieking head-ducking frenzy when the slightest shiver of wind should pass. good times!

and i held my tongue, not only because i am a natural diplomat (HA!) but also because, when it comes to random irrational fears, i have no room to talk.

to be fair, at least in the case of one of these uncommon phobias, there is a clear definable moment to which i can point and say: yep, that’s when i started being afraid of birds. all i can say in my own defense is that i defy anyone to remain unflustered after having a parrot LAND ON THEIR FACE AND HOLD ON WITH ITS BEAK. yeah.

the fish thing i have a slightly harder time justifying. i can only point to the following two things: they have murder in their cold little hearts. they would eat you if only you held still long enough and, sturgeon. seriously, that species alone is enough to send me into the hills with the screaming me-mes vowing never to put my toes in anything deeper than a washtub ever again.

the crowd fear makes sense to pretty much everybody. no one seems inclined to argue that humanity en masse can be scary. not everyone is driven to elbow jabbing panic, but they don’t look at me like i’m a looney. likewise, being creeped out by moths (the lightbulb humping kind, not the 6ft mythical rooftop landing kind) also seems reasonable to most folks. but for some reason, i just can’t help feeling like i have to explain to people that i am not crazy or weird just because i’m afraid of birds and fishes.

so there.

i work in a doctors office and we have a handful of books in the reception area for the childlings to enjoy while they’re waiting. one of my coworkers picked up “The Gingerbread Man” and started flipping through it. glancing over at the pages a wave of nostalgia washed over me as i realized: this was the first book i ever read.

well, not this book. not even this version of this book, but it was The Gingerbread Man. i remember because much was made of this feat. i was not quite three, and pronounced a prodigy. my sister, who was three years older and had stage-mother syndrome and lots of time on her hands was the primary motive force behind this marvel, but i was happy enough to bask in the temporary glow of admiration being a smarty pants conferred.

who remembers their first time? of course, it doesn’t literally have to be the very first thing you ever read, but maybe, the first thing you read that left you with that sense of triumph (you know the one i mean) that you had read a whole book by yourself!

i was reluctant to bring the following examples up, but i feel i must.

from The Simpsons “That tastes like burning!” & “I’m so hungry, I could eat at Arbys” & “I’m learnding!”

i realize it is tired to quote the simpsons. i can only say in my defense that Ralphie is my alter ego, and i cannot but adore him. he is also the only character i can legitimately mimic. and he says such awesome things, i simply must put them to good use. he is also one of the few beings in creation who seems to sympathize with my disgust for all things Arby’s.

from The Princess Bride “You made one of the classic blunders, the first of which being, never get involved in a land war in Asia!”

again, from a source so rife with possibilities, this might seem an odd choice. but somehow, i find it useful in more situations than one might expect.

First Willie Nelson all morning. Soulful, lovely, winsome. I forget how deeply vintage country touches me. Now on OPB I’m watching Pete Seeger and he’s so wise and intelligent and political and gifted. It really does make me want to learn the banjo and sing heartwrenching songs about something light and true.