People have called me all manner of things down through the years, but taciturn wasn’t ever one of them.When something activates my attention, it is hard to be quiet. In heated conversation my voice rises, when I am especially excited I become emphatic, and when I laugh… well, none of it is muted.
I feel things deeply, and care about them passionately. I also tend to proclaim them (sometimes at length) usually with excessive volume. Now, sometimes this kind of force is both necessary and desirable; when in defense of the defenseless, when trying to win debate trophies, and at other crucial moments:Â
She was vociferous in her objection to the reggae music he had chosen to play.
The rest of the time, it can be seen as an inability to exert self-control, or a general habit of agitation. I have tried to learn to both moderate and modulate my responses in company who may not appreciate my rousing defense of child-beatings and unequivocal denunciation of Jack Johnson as both contributor to and evidence of the precipitous decline of western civilization.
i used to know. i was pretty damn sure for a really long time. i was going to deliver babies and that was going to rule. i even had a plan: once i had my credentials, i was going to open a LUXURY BIRTHING SPA where families could come and have a 4 star hotel experience, except also, have a baby there. indirect lighting, comfortable spacious private rooms, spa treatments for mom and dad. a family inclusive care model. nutritionist and lactation consultant on site. cause, dude, after having HAD a baby, i can think of no time in my life i needed pampering more.
turns out though, i am BAD AT SCIENCE. no, really. i failed Anatomy & Physiology twice. physics i just curled into a ball crying within the first week of the term all THREE times i tried to take it. and though i managed to muddle through calculus, it was not an experience that really affirmed my faith in myself as a student.
and as it happens, you have to be at least tolerably good at these things for them to want to let you into medical school, or nursing school, or even any decent direct-entry midwifery program. (maybe not physics. everyone knows that stuff’s made up anyway)
so, what with all my academic flailing, it turns out i’m still pretty damn close to a degree. something called a “Bachelors of Science in Social Science” ironic for someone who’s REALLY BAD AT SCIENCE.
and this leaves me with the problem of what the hell does one DO with a social science degree anyway? i’ve thought about teaching, which i think i’d be pretty good at, all things considered, but someone told me i don’t have the temperament for it. which is code for: you swear too much. i could probably go into some sort of non-profit administrative role, but it’s sort of hard to muster a ton of verve over that idea: i’m going to be a mid-level FUNCTIONARY when i grow up!
so, i’m just kinda drifting. it seems like i’m far past the age at which i should have had these things figured out, and the $60K-odd student loan debt i have accrued thusfar is beginning to make me sort of systemically nervous.
and i know i should go talk to an advisor (i have an appointment tomorrow) but i still feel like an informal survey is SUCH A MORE ENTERTAINING WAY to determine one’s fate!!
so, here are some ideas i’ve been kicking around, in no particular order:
1) Rock/Opera Star: I’m pretty sure, if i could read music, the Portland Symphonic Choir would jump on me like the last hot biscuit at the KFC but alas, i cannot. rock stars have no such prerequisite, but anyone who’s heard me sing knows full well there is nothing “rock” about it.
2) Teacher: i actually did this for a job for a couple years (yes after school, and yes only teaching debate, butstill) and i really enjoyed it. i like being the center of attention and talking alot and having people subject to my will, so, really, what could be better? except for the low pay and my problem with epithets…
3) Amateur Humorist, Dilettante, and Book Dork: i already have this job. it doesn’t pay what it might.
4) Trophy Wife: i actually already had this job, and frankly, it sucked. but i suppose if i just found someone who was more deserving of a trophy than the last guy, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad*
5) Crusader for Reproductive Health in a Non-Science-Requisite Role: i can run a front desk like NOBODY! office mange the SHIT out of some place. so, maybe if i did that, but with pregant ladies and babies all over the place, i’d find my career path more rewarding. i think working for planned parenthood could be great if i had the right role. public relations, policy formation, advocacy for the program. and i do enjoy working in a clinical setting. as long as the patients don’t get mouthy.
6) Your answer here: come on. whaddaya got? what career path seems right for a moderately lazy smartass with lopsided people skills and a penchant for unnecessarily flowery speech?
with the surly people behind the counter at my local convenience stores? i’m accustomed to uppity waitstaff, i mean, i am from here. but this phenomenon is new. i am used to my clerk at the plaid being:
drunk, intoxicated, or suffering the long-term effects of previous drunkenness/intoxication
mentally challenged
toothless
persistently curious about my personal life/plans for the evening
some combination of the above
what i am NOT used to is the not-so-subtly snide mien the handful of cashiers i have encountered lately have adopted.
few weeks back friends lyza, emma, & i wandered over to plaid to obtain milk duds for our popcorn. we were enjoying the fine pre-summer evening with a few cocktails, and we had all confirmed via emma’s snazzy personal breathalyzer unit that none of us should attempt to captain a vehicle of any kind, but we were merely enjoying our time together and the prospect of salty carmely chocolatey popcorny goodness. as we approached the counter, the fellow behind it got this look on his face like he thought our behavior could be favorably compared to dental work sans anesthesia. then, when i attempted to engage him in a little friendly banter to reassure him we were harmless, well…
“can i have one of those scratch its? (aside to e&l) these are really fun. (back to cashier) a friend of mine showed me how to do them. we all take turns. (smile)”
“that’s a riveting story”
WTF?
like, i wasn’t really looking for approval from this guy, but why the snark? we weren’t being unduly rowdy, we were making a sizable purchase, and, if i do say so myself, we are a group of lookers. what the hell?
then today, i go into the 7-11 so i can grab something for lunch. i decide on a clif bar, some trail mix, and a rockstar. my digestions have been a little off kilter of late so i wanted something relatively low key, but cheap and fast. i bring my whatnot to the counter and this guy gives me this look and says
“you know, there’s no FOOD in your food.”
i’m a little taken aback here so i don’t reply immediately. Then:
“well it suits me.”
“why don’t you go get yourself some crackers, or an orange. a sandwich for chrissakes.”
(pause to think of retort, think of one, begin to walk away)
“i will if you promise to shove them up your ass.”
no one saw fit to critique my purchases at freddy’s.
i loved this movie. cast littered with awesomness. to name just a few; gary oldman as a half blind drug dealer sporting the nastiest dreads and grill i have EVER seen, brad pitt as the degenerate pothead and a super scary james gandolfini getting beaten to death with the back of a toilet. not to mention val kilmer as elvis. genius. this movie was almost like a new awesome phrase generator! there were a ton of snappy lines and comebacks peppered throughout the film. these are the two i find myself saying most regularly…
from Animaniacs “Okay, I love you, buh-bye!”
hideously obnoxious blonde toddler child used to chrip this compulsively. whenever someone is especially annoying i like to say this with as much sarcasm as i can muster, which as it turns out, it a lot.
from Say Anything “Bitches, man.”
maybe it was being raised by a misogynist, but this just sums it up sometimes. and sometimes, i am talking about myself.
1) Rock/Opera Star: I’m pretty sure, if i could read music, the Portland Symphonic Choir would jump on me like the last hot biscuit at the KFC but alas, i cannot. rock stars have no such prerequisite, but anyone who’s heard me 
w pay and my problem with epithets…