and she is definitely doing so today. everytime i look at the clock i am shocked all over again at what time it only is. sheesh.
the highlight of my day so far was the following exchange:
(me) so i am bringing home a bag of potatoes for dinner
(hodie) ooh!
(me) and some kielbasa.
(she) ooh!
(me) guess what we are having for dinner?
(she) potatoes and kielbasa?
(me-astounded) are you PSYCHIC?? how did you KNOW??
(she) *rolls eyes. i can HEAR this through the phone*
this, my friends, is what i have been reduced to. there are only so many ways of driving around facebook and killing time. i have driven everyone who loves me to the point of madness with various plan-making and plan-remaking conversations over the course of the last few days, so i feel obligated, for the sake of these loved ones, to sit on my hands and stop bothering the crap out of them. and of course, traffic in the clinic has slowed down just at this most inopportune moment. sigh.
i mean, i like to think i have it all figured out, but in some cases, what i think i have figured out kinda sucks. and in those cases, it’s really nice to be wrong.
so, here’s to wrongness today, in all its glory.
to celebrate i’m going to go out after work and play a little game i like to call “thwak…sh*t…thwak…fu&K!”
more commonly known as tennis. i am no good. but i love it. plus also, i look super hot in the tiny little skirt.
p.s. surprises are not always nice, but they are almost always pretty interesting.
whenever that might be.
i used to know. i was pretty damn sure for a really long time. i was going to deliver babies and that was going to rule. i even had a plan: once i had my credentials, i was going to open a LUXURY BIRTHING SPA where families could come and have a 4 star hotel experience, except also, have a baby there. indirect lighting, comfortable spacious private rooms, spa treatments for mom and dad. a family inclusive care model. nutritionist and lactation consultant on site. cause, dude, after having HAD a baby, i can think of no time in my life i needed pampering more.
turns out though, i am BAD AT SCIENCE. no, really. i failed Anatomy & Physiology twice. physics i just curled into a ball crying within the first week of the term all THREE times i tried to take it. and though i managed to muddle through calculus, it was not an experience that really affirmed my faith in myself as a student.
and as it happens, you have to be at least tolerably good at these things for them to want to let you into medical school, or nursing school, or even any decent direct-entry midwifery program. (maybe not physics. everyone knows that stuff’s made up anyway)
so, what with all my academic flailing, it turns out i’m still pretty damn close to a degree. something called a “Bachelors of Science in Social Science” ironic for someone who’s REALLY BAD AT SCIENCE.
and this leaves me with the problem of what the hell does one DO with a social science degree anyway? i’ve thought about teaching, which i think i’d be pretty good at, all things considered, but someone told me i don’t have the temperament for it. which is code for: you swear too much. i could probably go into some sort of non-profit administrative role, but it’s sort of hard to muster a ton of verve over that idea: i’m going to be a mid-level FUNCTIONARY when i grow up!
so, i’m just kinda drifting. it seems like i’m far past the age at which i should have had these things figured out, and the $60K-odd student loan debt i have accrued thusfar is beginning to make me sort of systemically nervous.
and i know i should go talk to an advisor (i have an appointment tomorrow) but i still feel like an informal survey is SUCH A MORE ENTERTAINING WAY to determine one’s fate!!
so, here are some ideas i’ve been kicking around, in no particular order:
1) Rock/Opera Star: I’m pretty sure, if i could read music, the Portland Symphonic Choir would jump on me like the last hot biscuit at the KFC but alas, i cannot. rock stars have no such prerequisite, but anyone who’s heard me sing knows full well there is nothing “rock” about it.
2) Teacher: i actually did this for a job for a couple years (yes after school, and yes only teaching debate, butstill) and i really enjoyed it. i like being the center of attention and talking alot and having people subject to my will, so, really, what could be better? except for the lo
w pay and my problem with epithets…
3) Amateur Humorist, Dilettante, and Book Dork: i already have this job. it doesn’t pay what it might.
4) Trophy Wife: i actually already had this job, and frankly, it sucked. but i suppose if i just found someone who was more deserving of a trophy than the last guy, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad*
5) Crusader for Reproductive Health in a Non-Science-Requisite Role: i can run a front desk like NOBODY! office mange the SHIT out of some place. so, maybe if i did that, but with pregant ladies and babies all over the place, i’d find my career path more rewarding. i think working for planned parenthood could be great if i had the right role. public relations, policy formation, advocacy for the program. and i do enjoy working in a clinical setting. as long as the patients don’t get mouthy.
6) Your answer here: come on. whaddaya got? what career path seems right for a moderately lazy smartass with lopsided people skills and a penchant for unnecessarily flowery speech?
*this is my mother’s choice for me. no, really.
i realize that most people probably have strange or irrational fears. i mean, you can only watch your friend assiduously avoid coming too close to the pool filter so many times before it becomes apparent this is no coincidence, and wonder to yourself “what the hell am i doing hanging around with someone who’s afraid of a bloody pool filter?” but these are deeper questions than i hope to address here today.
of course there are also the grander, more fantastic yet still utterly groundless fears. my best friend in high school was absolutely convinced that mothman was haunting greater Gresham and its environs. apart from pointing out that mothman was an east coast spook if ever i had heard of one, there didn’t seem a tactful way of expressing my skepticism, so i mostly kept quiet. even when she would suggest taking a walk in the woods in the pitch dark and work herself into a shrieking head-ducking frenzy when the slightest shiver of wind should pass. good times!
and i held my tongue, not only because i am a natural diplomat (HA!) but also because, when it comes to
random irrational fears, i have no room to talk.
to be fair, at least in the case of one of these uncommon phobias, there is a clear definable moment to which i can point and say: yep, that’s when i started being afraid of birds. all i can say in my own defense is that i defy anyone to remain unflustered after having a parrot LAND ON THEIR FACE AND HOLD ON WITH ITS BEAK. yeah.
 
the fish thing i have a slightly harder time justifying. i can only point to the following two things: they have murder in their cold little hearts. they would eat you if only you held still long enough and, sturgeon. seriously, that species alone is enough to send me into the hills with the screaming me-mes vowing never to put my toes in anything deeper than a washtub ever again.
the crowd fear makes sense to pretty much everybody. no one seems inclined to argue that humanity en masse can be scary. not everyone is driven to elbow jabbing panic, but they don’t look at me like i’m a looney. likewise, being creeped out by moths (the lightbulb humping kind, not the 6ft mythical rooftop landing kind) also seems reasonable to most folks. but for some reason, i just can’t help feeling like i have to explain to people that i am not crazy or weird just because i’m afraid of birds and fishes.
so there.