Strength

Wherein I Learn to Cut Myself Some Slack

Labyrinthos says that my affirmation for this pull is

My compassion to myself sets the foundation for my compassion to others.

I think, in my case, it’s the other way around.

I am very good at evaluating other people’s behavior with a degree of objectivity that has caused more than one person to accuse me of being unfeeling, or more colloquially, a robot.

I see this as a true gift; to be able to take my own hurt feelings and set them aside long enough to analyze all factors at play has served me very well over the years. Not least because doing so has largely allowed me to navigate my life without carrying much anger.

I also understand how it has distanced me from my own feelings and caused a significant degree of estrangement from myself. Being too eager to think about how I should or am allowed to feel, rather than feeling what I feel.

This has also contributed to a pronounced imbalance in how easy I find it to be compassionate toward others than toward myself. I can rationalize, justify, and explain away actions that harmed me substantially, but only if someone else was the cause.

Because of course I should know better. Be wiser, less impulsive. Access my experience to teach me to make good choices.

So, I have been practicing self-compassion. It has been tremendously uncomfortable at times, but is becoming more often my default response. Yes, I am smart and should be able to wield my pattern recognition skills to my benefit! Yes, I am growing and putting significant effort into healing wounds I refused to acknowledge for decades.

And, the fact remains I suffer from CPTSD which can present with symptoms similar to both autism and ADHD. I have been coping with the behavioral and physiological effects of it my entire life without consciously knowing I was doing it.

My seeming inability to identify an appropriately compatible romantic partner. My tendency to procrastinate to a pathological degree. My habit of disengaging from conflict rather than conducting it with an eye toward resolution. These are things I had previously attributed to a deficiency of character and berated myself for them constantly.

Of course, I am ultimately responsible for my actions. It is just helpful to understand that there are other conditions influencing my tendency to act a particular way by default. I have been practicing with concerted effort to observe my behavior and feelings in the moment and then to make a conscious decision about how to proceed rather than simply reacting on an instinct profoundly trained to seek protection at all costs.

So, it stands to reason that this work can and should extend to how I treat myself. How by extending compassion to myself, I am better able to approach my life with an open heart, which is my highest goal.