I like to consider myself a critical thinker with an open mind. I like to approach new ideas with curiosity and gusto; to welcome new information without it threatening my worldview in a personally distressing way.

And so, this morning, when I was sent a link to this article to read – by someone who believed he was being flirtatious ­– I decided to take a look despite raising an eyebrow at both the language and inherent assumptions conveyed in the title.

The Under F**ked Pussy Epidemic (Every Woman Needs To Read This!!)

As a sex-positive person, I like to think that ideally, everyone will get what they came for. As a realist, I understand there are lots of social, cultural, and personal barriers to that happening on a regular basis for many people. The fact that the article seemed – at least at first blush – to be trying to remedy this, I wanted to see what insight the author brought to bear.*

 However, I wasn’t even able to get past the title before being confronted with the author’s deliberately provocative use of both “pussy” and “fu**ed” Presuming a mature audience, I question both her use of the colloquial term for vagina, and her unwillingness to spell out the word “fuck.” Couched together in this way it seemed geared specifically to be titillating and shocking. I supposed I wasn’t aware that “soft-core self help” was a genre? Choosing to do so was simultaneously intellectually offensive and personally off-putting. Even moreso was the author’s exhortation “every woman needs to read this!!!” As though, naturally, all women are having the same problems expressing themselves or being satisfied sexually. Despite this, I forged ahead looking for something that might offer a new or meaningful insight in the author’s canon.

Alas, it was not to be. Apart from the style of writing which strayed from the tone of “You Go Girl” fauxminism, to a condescending “Why Can’t Women Just Learn To Speak Their Mind” lament, I was pointedly offended by the unwaveringly heterocentric tone of the piece.

That unspeakable being that she needs to be f-ked wide open by a man that can penetrate not only her flesh but her heart and soul. She needs his strength, his firmness, his masculine energy to be unleashed in her at a cellular level and TAKE her beyond the point of no return and right into the heavens of rapture. Only at this level can she trust her man and allow herself once again to be seen.

So, lesbians aren’t allowed to have gratifying orgasms? How are they supposed to access that “strength” and “firmness?” Is this something they can do with latex? How are the lesbians going to trust and be seen???

Moving along, we are then scolded that we must, “Ask for what you sexually want and need” as though, that’s really all there is to it. Like, “Listen, honey, if you could just open your mouth and articulate exactly what you want instead of being a verbally frigid ninny then the most life-changing, depression-healing, relationship cementing orgasms WILL BE YOURS!”  

Given the puritanical, patriarchal, sex-averse culture in which we are embedded, that should be super simple; if you weren’t such an uptight twat.

But let us not forget the men, and their all important – indeed inextricable – duty in this exchange. She quotes:

Keep asking until you feel her true desire release. You will feel it in your body when she finally lets go. Regardless of how much resistance she has, don’t stop asking until you feel it. You are helping her unravel a lifetime of conditioning – old beliefs and habits and rules that are suffocating the bright, lovely, sexy woman within.

Ask until she says yes! Ignore her resistance! You are healing her from all that pesky personal preference and autonomy she’s been told she gets to have her whole life! Nevermind what she says Pish tosh! No means ask until she changes her answer! Such an elegant invitation to sexual assault, I have never heard.

I am offended at the pseudo-psychological, pop-trash, woman shaming tone of this piece. I am offended that this is being proffered as an earnest exhortation to sexual liberation.  I am offended that our current cultural paradigm promotes this kind of thinking all the time.

I’m all in a lather, now. Just thinking about it. Probably not the kind this would-be suitor intended….

*This entire article is so profoundly misguided, misinformed, and misogynistic I had some trouble believing a woman wrote it. Looking at the photo attached to the author’s Bio and seeing a creature that looked decidedly post-operative did nothing to diminish this impression.

Because there’s no greater authority on what a pussy needs, than someone who had to work extra-hard to get theirs.