Posted by autumnrouse under Defining Moments Comments Off on a·bey·ance
[uh–bey–uh ns]Â
noun
temporary inactivity, cessation, or suspension: Let’s hold that problem in abeyance for a while.
a state or condition of real property in which title is not as yet vested in a known titleholder: an estate in abeyance.
In the quiet silent seconds
I am not, by nature, a person that enjoys inactivity. Though I have learned to cultivate stillness for its multitude benefits, I am generally too restless to enj0y the experience without considerable preparation. I coax myself toward quiescence by degrees and find it particularly difficult in the face of ambiguity. Unsuited to wait and see, I prefer to get up and look.
Yet sometimes, there is simply naught to be done. I mean this not in the sense of merely staying busy; chores, tasks, and distractions abound. Rather, I suggest that in the face of a looked-for outcome, it is at times impossible to take any action to hasten or influence the desired result.
Irresistible as it feels, thumb-twiddling generally serves only to divert. My chosen distractions of late principally stray toward the benign; writing, running, and friends consume most of my attention; yet they have their own merit, these. Still there linger on the periphery old habits and tendencies that do not necessarily earn with concomitant value the worth of time I spend upon them. Absorbing as they may be, I wonder at the foolish persistence I demonstrate by indulging myself in these ways. That I relinquish precious sleep and scarce energy to the pursuit of such diversion seems almost indecent. And so in reflecting upon it, then it is my love for the obscene that keeps me amused.
What instead, during this interval?If an object at rest and all that; maybe I must merely yield to physics, do what suits me so ill and embrace inertia. I’ll have to get right on that…
“Many fail to grasp what they have seen, and cannot judge what they have learned, although they tell themselves they know.
Yet they lack the skill to listen or to speak.
Whoever cannot seek the unforeseen sees nothing, for the known way is an impasse.”
Fragments ~ Heraclitus
To see the unforeseen is a rare trait; it is hard enough to see what leaps out, manifest and unveiled.
Salient features of mine?
~Shameless Bibliophile: My bookshelf is my possession most prized, and I am a bit vain of it. Books capture my attention and I engage them will all of my senses; I peel off their jackets to feel the texture of their covers with my fingertips, I sink into the bath and immerse my eyes in text, I smell the pages and the threaded binding when I set them on my lips to think at pause, a sip of wine tasted as it rolls over my tongue and occasionally onto a page corner, listening to the rustle of the paper beneath impatient fingers.
~Inveterate Dilettante: Endowed with a healthy sense of adventure I’ll try anything once, or twice. I enjoy a great variety of activities regardless of what skill I may possess or lack in their execution. I am in favor of last-minute road trips, sleeping outside, playing loud music, and doing my best to eliminate the phrase “I have never” from common usage. One of my nicknames is “The Instigator” I seek things that make the heart pound and the blood race and the sweat pour.I believe deliberate consideration is best paired with joyous abandon.
~Perennial Smartass: I can’t help it; the tendency is impossible to resist. Like bad puns. And dirty jokes.
And it turns out I am very good at something really hard. Something I have always done with such ease that it never occurred to me that it might be difficult for others*. I like to say I am only good at five things. It is an oversimplification, of course, but really… I’m not well-rounded. The range of things at which I am mediocre to terrible is considerable and multitude. And, I’m not ashamed of this. In fact I am quite comfortable with it. I am perfectly content to have a handful of gifts to offer, luminous with great practice and profound commitment.Â
I am good at being vulnerable.Â
I do not mean this to imply that I am not also strong, because I am. In fact, I believe that my profound and innate tendency toward vulnerability has made me a stronger person by far, than I would be without it.
Some time ago a good friend of mine encouraged me to watch the excellent TED talk by Brene Brown on the subject (which I also encourage anyone I ever meet to do)
After watching this talk, I realized that I had not previously seen my vulnerability as an asset; something that required courage and practice. Instead I had viewed it as something to be overcome and bargained away with clean living and proper good sense. I now understand that while I was skeptical of the value of such an open and tender nature, that having one contributes directly to something I am deeply proud of; I am good at fostering intimacy and trust.Â
People confide in me. They always have. The number of times I have heard someone say:
“Wow. I have never told anyone that before. You are just so easy to talk to.”
is uncountable, but a key data point in the chart of my internal universe. It is important to me that I am someone people can reveal themselves to. I have deep respect for introspection that leads to the capacity to share oneself in such entirety. And I enact this type of candor and emotional honesty, not in any calculated fashion, but as the only way I can possibly imagine existing in the world.Â
*Sort of like when I found out that not everyone can see in the dark.
