: to keep oneself from doing, feeling, or indulging in something and especially from following a passing impulse
noun
: a regularly recurring phrase or verse especially at the end of each stanza or division of a poem or song : chorus
In most songs, as the refrain progresses, it changes; it reflects the evolution of the tune and typically adds complexity or flourish. Allowing the vocalist to warm to their efforts to allow the last to be the most fully expressed of the song.
So too in life do we gain experience and wisdom that enhances our capacity for patience, flexibility, and nuance. We can respond with greater sensitivity and understanding even in the face of novel experiences. If we bring our comprehension forward consciously it can result in an enhanced ability to be present with ourselves and others.
Sometimes, that kind of application of experience doesn’t result in an increased ability to understand or feel greater confidence. Circumstances beyond our control can influence our capacity to remain openhearted and intentional in the face of new or challenging conditions. Forces we may not be aware of can impact our perception of existence in ways both far-reaching and slight. And when that is the case, it can sometimes take a significant shift to recognize the difference.
A new job, a significant move, undertaking a new health regimen could all prompt the kind of perspective shift this describes. But it can just as easily arrive unanticipated. Death, the end of a relationship, pervasive and systemic oppression of marginalized people + the rise of the pedophilic fascist state… for example.
I have been progressing through many* of these changes over the last several months. The shift has been gradual, until it wasn’t anymore. Suddenly, things have fallen into place in a way that feels truly revelatory. I am grateful I had the instinct to begin working toward integrating many of the lessons I have been learning of late, so that I am as prepared for it as I have been.
I feel like myself for the first time in almost a decade. There are a lot of reasons this is true; I have been taking better care of myself, I am doing the work of acknowledging the ways I shut myself down in the face of CPTSD, and I am taking appropriate medication for the first time. All of this together has underpinned a pointed focus on emotional discovery, integration, and openheartedness.
I am experiencing the joy and ache of healing.
It has restored my voice – both literally and figuratively. I feel more able to be radically vulnerable and honest. I am able to cry in a way that helps release my pain even as I stay present in its truth. So much of this was absent for so long, I thought I wasn’t who I am anymore. I believed some fundamental and irrevocable change had occurred in me. I am discovering I was merely lost, not truly gone.
And it hurts, betimes. I reflect with grief and regret over things I could have done differently. Losses are felt more deeply, yes, but finally feel commensurate to their importance. My heart is not muffled, my spirit not silent and I recognize myself again.
So the song is made more poignant by the sorrow it expresses, but also more beautiful with the joy more easily felt.
And even with all of this made clear, it also affords me an uncommon gift; the patience to allow the rest of what is to come to unfold in its own time. The understanding that this effort is the work of all of my life, and that to hurry it is to deprive myself of the full consciousness of the harmony of every day as I live it. The urge to race to a conclusion – to hasten the end of my anguish – has eased. I understand it as a process in a more visceral way. I am able to resist the temptation of the immediate solution.
I am, in fact, able to refrain.
*I still have the same job
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