Everything I Tell You is Hearsay

I was in a vile temper yesterday. This doesn’t tend to manifest itself in ways that other people can see, but I certainly felt it. I was more impatient than usual, easily frustrated, and generally oversensitive to almost anything that came my direction. I was feeling under stress and very over taxed.

Finally, on my way home from work, near shaking with road rage, I sensed that perhaps this might not be the best approach to the rest of my afternoon. I remembered reading in the book “Peace is Every Step” that sometimes when we least feel like smiling, that is the best time to do so.

Something about the experience of smiling has an effect on my mood. At first it felt uncomfortable and forced, but very soon my muscles took over and spread the smile even wider across my face. I felt instantly calmer, more relaxed, and even started to giggle a bit as I carried on down the road. My entire day was changed by this utterly simple act.

And, apart from the instant effect it has on my demeanor, it is also tremendously comforting to know I have this option available to me at all times.

Truly, like magic.

Freedom is instantaneous the moment we accept things as they are. ~Karen Maezen Miller

Perspectives can change with either glacial slowness or lightning speed. It is a constant surprise what can be revealed in the course of a day and how radically new information, new events, can cause the status quo to rumble, turn, and move in an entirely unexpected direction.
It is altogether easy to become complacent. To think all has been decided and settled when no such thing is true. The illusion of control we afford ourselves as a means of comfort is simply that; an illusion. To be reminded of this is both terrifying and liberating at once.
To accept this with grace and joy is one of the deepest lessons I aim to learn each day. I am grateful to be afforded such chances I have to be moved to such extent and brought to conscious awareness of such truth. It is often a gift to be wrong; to be offered a chance to see anew the light in each moment, cast from a different angle.

Dawn, all purple and golden and frosted. Being awake this early always makes me feel like own more of the day. That I am embracing a greater portion of my life. This is not to say I do not relish long mornings warm in my bed, but that I also relish not having those. I trade them for a pleasure entirely different, yet no less wondrous and sweet.

not that kind….

When I moved to Eugene, I soon discovered it is very bike and pedestrian friendly. I suppose this may be in part because it is smaller, has less traffic, and is ultimately much more topographically consistent than Portland. As it happened, I also developed a strong preference for the south hills area of town, which is very close indeed to my new office. Once all was said and done, I moved into a place that is just over a mile from the clinic. This affords me a luxury I have never before enjoyed; the walk to work.

This walk takes me down a busy street for a few blocks, but also winds through a residential area where almost all of the houses have some kind of noteworthy things growing in the yard.

I am usually in a hurry. Not for any good reason, just because I am. I drive, think, talk, and move fast. Walking affords me the precious opportunity to slow down and pay attention. I try to remember to do this anyway… I got a tattoo in the service of remembering this is good for me, and something I want to do, but it’s on the back of my neck, where I can’t see it, and so I often forget.

As such it makes me happy to know I have placed myself in a spot where a walk is always a viable form of transportation; both to where I want to go, and how I want to be.

Eventually. If you’re lucky, you get to witness it happen…

Karl casting into the confluence of the North & Middle Fork Willamette

First let me say Hawaii was beautiful. Unquestionably, utterly, beautiful. And I had a pretty damn good time. There were some… intense moments, but it was a truly memorable and positive experience. More travel for me, yes, that.

There were more shades of it here than e'er I knew

it was a good one this year!

i always like to see my birthday as the ultimate opportunity to indulge myself. as such, i went to some effort to have all of my favorite things. it became my twitterproject for the day…

birthdays are all about favorite things; 1st favorite, stumptown mocha!

favorite thing #2 bacon squash galette from grand central

favorite thing #3: LOTS AND LOTS OF ATTENTION. it may be the hat…

favorite thing #4 shopping! favorite thing #5 being sung to!!

favorite thing #6 singing “Favorite” by Neko Case

favorite thing #7 PRESENTS!! borders gift card, @lyzadanger w/ the LibraryThing subscription. pegged as a bookworm i guess 🙂

favorite thing #8 leaving work early!! only 2 hrs to go!

favorite thing #9 bacon & blue cheese potato salad. mmmm. lunch

favorite thing #10 surprise blue sky out my window!

favorite thing #11 wardrobe change!

favorite Thing #12 MORE PRESENTS: bottle of patron

for symmetry i would have liked 31 favorite things, but as the day wore on, i got a little distracted and couldn’t keep tweeting as they came up. long about 4pm i was talking to my Uncle Ed (who’s birthday it also was) and having a rousing discussion about politics and love. so, that was amusing at amusing at any rate. then it was off to seattle.

we ended up going to Freak Night at the WAMU theater. it was quite a spectacle. costumes everywhere. it was sort of amusing to see certain trends in the room; there were tons of pirates, many slutty versions of cartoon characters (although my favorite was seeing 1) standard Rainbow Brite 2) Slutty Rainbow Brite and 3) ULTRA Slutty Rainbow Brite all within like 5 minutes of each other) and a veritable SWARM of bumblebee costumes. i was jessica rabbit. looked faboo if i do say so. did not get photo on my own camera (doh!) so proof of such will have to wait.

the lineup was pretty wicked: we had Crystal Method, Moby, and Paul VanDyck. it was dancetastic. at some point i gave in and took off my beautiful but patently cruel high heels and started prancing around barefoot. good times.

slept over at my cousin Khava’s place. and i do not exaggerate when i say she has the MOST COMFORTABLE BED I HAVE EVER SLEPT IN. man ALIVE! we got in after 4am and were up by 9 and i still felt more well rested than i have in ages. i gotta bust ass over to costco and get me one of them mattress pads post haste. had breakky with Khavs and her boyfriend at Jax in West Seattle. potato pancakes. mmmm. little Pike Street market action wrapped up our time in Sea-town. i swear i never feel such a vital intrest in produce as i do when i am walking through that market. i got an avacado that i’m pretty sure is larger than the head of my child. i don’t even LIKE avacados. it was so shiny, and green, and alien-head-looking i simply could not resist. we also bought a giant red pear.

later that night it was time for all the silliness i didn’t get to on the birthday proper: $5 steaks at the Acropolis, lap dance, and karaoke.
i was sad to discover that Hollywood Bowl no longer has the kick-ass dive bar style lounge anymore, because it was my favorite place to go sing. alas, no more. they have re-modeled in a “Grand Central” style i like to call “drywall chic” which is wholly shabby and utterly disappointing.
i liked the laid back atmosphere and boy’s club quality of the old lounge. and just for the record, there was literally NOT ONE PERSON in there on a saturday night. might have been a tactical error folks. so, we were forced to go with karaoke plan #2: The Galaxy. i have no specific problem with this place, although i did have to step over vomit on my way out the door. i also enjoy that one of the waitresses looks EXACTLY like Caroline Jones. my singing was less than stellar due to slight cold and/onset of drunkness, but i had an enthusiastic audience in my cohorts, so it was grand nevertheless.

finally on sunday, it was time for the last event of the birthday-stravaganza-weekend. brunch at Meriwethers for Chicken & Waffle. oh, daddy. the general consensus around the table was that no one needed to eat again all day after that. we were a full and tipsy crowd after all was said and eaten. dee-lish.

it was lovely, i felt very loved. i’m glad it’s all over for another year. next, VEGAS!!

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went with friends lyza, david, and brett to the Armin VanBuuren show last night at the Roseland. i haven’t been to a dance show since seeing John Digweed @ the crystal back in 2002? woah.

danced the whole set. was bathed in other people’s sweat and excitement. overcame my usual crowd terror to follow lyza right up to the edge of the stage. was struck by the contrast in this show vs the multitude of other shows i’ve been to in recent memory…

crowd, though sweaty, smelled good and this is crucial. i was far less anxious being surrounded on all sides by people who didnt smell in a way that distressed me. people were generally polite and trying to take care of each other. stage hands tossed water out to the crowd and generally seemed to be trying to make sure everyone was feeling included. dj looked HAPPY. like he was genuinely enjoying himself instead of the faux-torment put upon by some musicians attempting to convey the seriousness of their art by dint of a glower.

there was jumping. there was smiling. there were various stages of undress. it was good times.

that the contents of my purse say something about me. i think i like what it says…

obvious things like wallet and keys aside, we have;

Heidegger: Basic Writings
tin of dice
string of pearls
matchbook from favorite steakhouse
fuzzy socks for friend lyza
burt’s bees lip shtuff
bust magazine
graphing calculator
laquered hairstick
extremely fancy log book with which to track expenditures (the irony therein not at all lost)
wine country chicken salad with cranberries and pecans from TJ’s + wheat thins

feeling smug about how awesome i seem to myself this morning. :}

contents of your stachel? come on, i showed you mine…

went tromping around some of the scenic spots in the SW Washington gorge area yesterday. weather cleared up in the afternoon and turned lustrous. went in the drink a bit at the river, but managed to dry out by the top of beacon rock.