: to return to or begin (something) again after interruption
She resumed her work.
It has been on my mind recently, that I used to love this. And so, here I am again. After a considerable interim.
2025 has been… rough.
I had to exit a difficult relationship – twice. Then I had to exit my residence when circumstances hastened a move I thought wouldn’t be coming until Spring of 2026. And perhaps most meaningfully, my mother exited the earth.
All of these things have thrown their own light on a lot of things that were lingering in the shade; forgotten or, at the very least, neglected.
I had talked myself out of being a person with trauma. Convenient, no? At some point in a dimly remembered phase, I just decided not to be hurt anymore. It was perhaps what was best for me at the time, since I was truly struggling to survive in almost every sense of the word. But, as these things will do, they ways in which I was still wounded continued to impact me in subtle and not-so-subtle ways long after I had stopped consciously acknowledging I had done so.
In the face of all the opportunities to grow that 2025 has presented, it occurred to me it might be time to allow myself to feel how I feel. Without judgement or self-recrimination, understanding I was doing the best I could at the time I made the choices that got me to what can only be described as a state of emotional estrangement from myself.
So I have been feeling some things and it is both difficult and simple. Frightening and familiar. Challenging and comforting.
At first, this work more closely resembled picking at emotional scabs and watching in horrified fascination to see how un-healed the wound was underneath. Once I felt I had traumatized myself by doing THAT non-stop for months, I started trying to imagine how to integrate what I had discovered into a new and healthier perspective. I am still in the middle of that work, and suspect I will be for the rest of my life or as long as my courage holds.
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