Everything feels like some shade of grey.
Nothing is more wrong today than it has been any of the days since this year began. It simply feels harder.
There’s no particular reason I can pinpoint. I’m taking my meds as I should. I’m getting decent – not spectacular – rest. I am moving my body, I am taking time for self-care.
There are certainly sources of stress. I’m literally selling my blood to get by financially at the moment. My father continues to linger at the brink of death and exhibit the very worst of his worst traits.
But, as usual when I am sad, it is not about any of that. Those things make everything harder, to be sure, but they are not the source of my unhappiness.
It is, instead, that I am lost.
Lost
To regret
To fear that since I have not yet met someone with whom I can feel truly seen and loved and safe, that I never will
To despair at the thought that I have received all the love I will ever get
As ever, I do not know how to find my way out. No matter whether I actively seek my way or wander aimlessly I always seem to end up here. It is all too familiar, but I refuse to consider it home.
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